


Letters

by ashes_and_ashes



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Azkaban, Letters, M/M, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 06:49:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17523887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashes_and_ashes/pseuds/ashes_and_ashes
Summary: A series of letters, written by Sirius Black, dated during his 12 years in Azkaban and unopened.





	Letters

Re,

I didn’t do it.

Please, I didn’t do it.

I wasn’t the secret keeper. It wasn’t me, please, it was Peter, I wasn’t the secret keeper, I would have rather died then betray them.

Please.

I didn’t do it.

~

Re,

No response?

Thanks a lot.

Remus, Re, please, you have to understand, it wasn’t me. Look…I….

Just please, it wasn’t me. I promise you. I swear on my life. I swear on what we were before.

We were something, weren’t we?

Sirius

~

Re,

You’ve given up, haven’t you? You think it’s me.

Honestly, I think that’s worse then being locked up here, in this hell hole. Knowing that you’re out there and you think it’s me.

It wasn’t. It wasn’t me.

Do you want me to spell it out for you? I didn’t fucking kill them. I never fucking betrayed them.

Jesus Christ. Open my goddamn letters, Re. Please, answer me!

~

Re,

It was during the war. You were off, at one of those werewolf encampments. God, Re, you know what it was like. We didn’t know, Remus, we didn’t know who to trust. And you were gone for so long and I think…

I think it was easier, to believe that you were the spy, then think it was actually someone underneath our own noses.

And I knew the logical choice. They would have all thought it was me, wouldn’t they? Sirius Black, James Potter’s best friend. Everyone thought it was me.

I would have never given them up Re. I would have died for them. I was prepared to die for them, to be tortured, I was prepared to never see you again. And I was so damn clever, I thought they would never suspect Peter. I was to be the scapegoat, to take the brunt of the agony, and Peter was to keep them safe. We all thought you were the spy, Re, it broke my heart, but all I wanted was to keep them safe.

You would have done it too.

Sirius

~

You’re never going to read these, are you?

You’ve already given up.

Though, what did I expect? Why did I think we were any different?

Fuck you, Remus. You don’t even care that I’m dying in here.

~

I told myself I’d stop writing to you.

And here I am, 5 months later, pouring my heart out on a piece of greasy wrapping paper.

That’s all we get, you know? Watery soup, a loaf of hard bread. They wrap it up in parchment, toss it into the cell. There’s no ink, so I use my blood. The quill is easy - the owls sometimes drop feathers.

They have me locked up, in maximum security. West side of Azkaban. Sometimes, I’m able to slip the letter into the mail cart that comes by every now and then.

It’s so quiet. I hate the silence, lingering and unending. They say everyone goes mad in the end. I’m possibly already mad. Always have been.

Please write back.

Sirius

~

Remus,

Christmas Day. It’s stupid of me, but some small part was still praying that you would come.

I still have those tattoos, you know. I have that enchanted one, of the moon cycles, on my forearm. I watch it, and every time it’s full, I pray for you.

Not to God, because he never did anything for us. I don’t know who I pray to, but I hope you’re safe.

I really thought you might come, Re. I really thought you would.

Sirius

~

FUCK YOU.

YOU LEFT ME IN HERE TO ROT. YOU LEFT ME TO DIE. I BET YOU’RE HAPPY NOW, YOU BACKSTABBING PIECE OF SHIT. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME. I’M DYING IN HERE, AND IT’S LIKE THOSE YEARS WE HAD WERE NOTHING.

~

Sorry about that last letter, Re.

Oh, what the fuck, what am I saying? You never read these anyways.

But just in case, I’ll write.

The dementors are hell, Moony. They…I don’t know. It hurts when they come near. I see things, Janes and Lily dead on the ground, you screaming and transforming, Peter laughing, my mother. They bring strange dreams as well - once I swore I saw you in my cell. You were screaming, and when I looked, they had carved out your eyes and replaced them with balls of pure silver. They gleamed in the darkness, and I couldn’t do anything but watch you scream and scream and scream.

I still love you, Re. I know you don’t. I’ll keep hoping, anyways.

Sirius

~

The full moon is tonight Remus.

You’ll get this letter a while after, when all the mail has been checked for curses and weapons and that sort.

It hurts, Re. It hurts, to know that you’re transforming, that you’re in so much pain and I can’t do anything about it.

I remember one night, when we were helping you transform. It was just after the moon set, and you were -

Oh fuck it. You’re never going to read these, are you? What are these letters, but just somewhere where I can write, something I can confess in while slowly going mad in a prison cell in Azkaban?

You were curled up, on the dusty floor. You were so pale, and along your back was three long gashes. They were deep, almost down to the bone, and they were leaking blood everywhere. But all I can remember was watching you, how even in unconsciousness you were quiet, stifling your groans of pain.

That’s all. It’s all I can hold onto.

~

There’s a memory that keeps coming up.

It’s strange - I think the dementors are messing with my head. I keep hallucinating, keep dreaming. It’s hard, to distinguish reality from slumber.

When I slice open my arm, it doesn’t hurt anymore. When I swallow the soup, I don’t feel full. When I walk, I can’t feel the stones beneath my feet. They are cracked and bleeding, but I can’t feel that either.

In this dream, we’re together. We’re always together, in these hallucinations. We’re in the Forbidden Forest, against a tree, and we are kissing. I don’t know why, or when, but all I know is that we were together, my fingers tracing up your spine and your hands in my hair. It was shoulder length, and you kept pulling on it, winding it around your fingers.

It’s the small things that bother me, wondering if they actually happened.

Hope you’re doing okay out there.

Sirius

~

I think I fell in love with your eyes.

I loved how they glowed in the sunlight, like honey over rocks. I loved how they gleamed when you laughed, how they fluttered shut when we fucked. I loved your lashes, soft like butterflies against my cheeks. I loved how they scanned over textbooks, how you blinked several times before falling asleep.

You were always so peaceful when you slept. It was funny, you never seemed like you were having nightmares. I-

~

Hey Re,

I haven’t written to you for a while now, I think. Days stretch in here, unending like the sea outside of my cell.

Sometimes, if I stick my hand out, I can feel the rain.

You always loved the rain, Moony. I remember asking you why, once long ago. New beginnings, you said. Rain symbolizes new beginnings.

New beginnings. A thousand drops of water, for all the futures that we could’ve had and now never will.

God, I’m rambling now. 5 years in Azkaban will do that to you.

They say it’s been 5 years. Or has it been 6? It’s too hard to tell, what’s real and what’s fiction.

So, new beginnings Re. I’ll stop writing. You never read them anyways.

I love you. I’ll never stop. I think that’s what hurts, the possibilities, the what if’s.

We could have had a life together, Re. I’m sorry if I fucked it up.

I tried my best, I really did. I tried, and now I’ll live with the consequences.

Goodbye, Re. I’m letting go now. I’ll always love you, here in my little cell. Find someone better, Re. Bury me, forget about me.

I’ll never.

Sirius.


End file.
